HYPE speaker Jim Obergefell: ‘All because I loved John’

Twenty-nine years ago, when Jim Obergefell entered into a new relationship with John Arthur, he had no idea how much that relationship would change his life and the lives of millions of people across the U.S.

That love led him through a series of emotional and empowering events – including serving as the lead plaintiff in the landmark Supreme Court marriage equality case – which he shared with the Heidelberg community on Wednesday as the January keynote speaker for HYPE Career Ready®. Jim’s story is one of love, loss, dedication, triumph and an ongoing commitment to fighting not only for LGBTQ rights but equal rights for all.

Finding his identity, finding acceptance

From the age of 8 or 9, Jim, who was born in Sandusky, knew he was different. At that young age, he would take catalogs his parents threw away, cut out photos of men’s underwear from ads and hide them in a coffee can in his basement. Jim didn’t understand exactly why he participating in “stereotypically gay” experiences. Then, the HIV/AIDS pandemic struck. Calling it a “terrifying” time to creek open the door of coming out, he continued to slam it shut. 

While in grad school at BGSU in 1992, Jim found himself in a much different environment where being different was not only tolerated but celebrated. When he did come out to two friends on a road trip, “it was like a weight lifted from my shoulders.” Not long after, Jim told his family and was met with unconditional support.

“In my mind, I had images of my dad just walking off, disowning me, hating me,” he recalled. “But I have to say, boy was I lucky. I wish every kid who comes out could experience this. Because my dad said to me, ‘Jim, all I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy.’ My entire family was that way.”

Finding love

On their third meeting in Cincinnati 29 years ago, Jim met John, the love of his life. Building their relationship wasn’t easy in Cincinnati which, by ordinance, couldn’t pass laws with LGBTQ protections such as allowing and recognizing same-sex marriage.

“John and I had talked marriage, but early on, we made the decision that it couldn’t just be symbolic,” he said. “We wanted it to be legal and something the government would recognize.”

In 2011, the couple received devastating news when John was diagnosed with ALS. Both knew what that meant. “When you care for someone who’s lost every ability, it’s overwhelming. It’s tiring. It’s scary, but it was also my privilege. It’s just what you do when you love someone,” Jim said. Two years later, in April, home hospice began assisting Jim with John’s care as his condition. Two months after that, the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act and Jim knew this was his opportunity. 

“I realized in that moment, here’s a chance to get married and have the U.S. government recognize our existence,” he said.

The couple settled on Maryland for their wedding. Jim, along with close family and friends, worked out the logistics, which included chartering a medical jet to take John to get married on July 11, 2013. “It really was the happiest moment of our lives. All we wanted to do was have his remaining days be as a married couple.

Obergefell v. Hodges takes shape

After the Cincinnati Enquirer had gotten wind of Jim and John’s story, civil rights attorney Al Gerhardstein reached out to Jim. As it turns out, because Ohio still didn’t recognize same-sex marriage, upon John’s passing, the death certificate would be left blank under spouse. 

“I was angry and heart-broken,” Jim said. “And he (Al) wanted to do something about it. So I said, ‘Yes, let’s do it.’” Jim sued the city of Cincinnati and the state of Ohio to recognize his marriage.

Eight days after their wedding, the case was filed in federal court, and three days after that, Jim found himself in the courtroom to testify. The court eventually ruled in his favor. Three months later to the day, John died. His death certificate listed him as a married man and Jim as his spouse.

Later, a circuit court overturned that ruling. At a low point, Jim could’ve returned to his quiet life. But if he didn’t fight the appeal, he felt he’d be giving up on John. It simply wasn’t an option.

“It was the right thing to do … to fight for John, to fight for love, to be treated fairly.”

Jim next took the fight to the Supreme Court. Obergefell v. Hodges combined six cases from four states – Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee and Michigan – in an all-out effort to get the high court to overturn the circuit court ruling.

Jim vividly remembers June 26, 2015. On that triumphant day, the Supreme Court justices ruled 5-4 to overturn the circuit court, ultimately striking down the Defense of Marriage Act. This meant that all 50 states were now required to perform and recognize the marriages of same-sex couples on the same terms and conditions as the marriages of opposite-sex couples.

“I burst into tears,” Jim said. “All I could think about was John, knowing he could truly rest in peace. A massive celebration – including a phone call from President Obama – and lots of interviews followed.

“You have to be blind not to know the impact this decision had on our country,” he said. “It was an enormous step forward for the LGBTQ community.” 

Through the process, Jim realized that his journey with John mattered. “I realized how powerful our story is and its ability to change hearts and minds,” he said. “This all happened for one simple reason: John and I loved each other. Our love deserved to be respected and our marriage deserved to be recognized.”

After the Supreme Court ruling

In the years that have followed, Jim has continued to be an activist and advocate, not only for LGBTQ rights but for civil rights for all. He often reflects on the impact of the Supreme Court’s decision. “Boy, has it led to some amazing things, all because I loved John.”

He vows that the fight is not over. “We are not done … when we take a step forward, there are people who want us to take several steps back.

“But I’m not going to be quiet.”